Accounting Jokes
A final year accounting student sees his buddy ride past on a new bicycle. So he stops his friend and quizzes him about the origin of the bike. "The funniest thing happened the other day", the friend begins, "this first year student is pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!" To which the first student replies, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fitted anyway!!".
Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a consulting accountant?
It' a guy (or girl) who will tell you 30 ways to make love but doesn't know any girls (boys).
HERE ARE THE TOP 10 REASONS TO BECOME AN ACCOUNTANT:
10. Audits Happen
9. You're too sincere to succeed in Marketing
8. You can take your "Stupid Accounting Tricks" with you when you change jobs
7. Pocket protectors are bound to come back in style
6. You get to see your old friends every six months at the CPA exam
5. Business Administration Majors go to work for their parents
4. Norm Peterson makes a great roll model
3. You can color your conversations with exciting phrases like "alternative minimum tax" and "substantive tests of details"
2. You have great pick-up lines for parties: "Hey baby, can I vouch your assets?"
1. You don't have to go to law school to get a job !!!!!!
Accountant's Knowledge
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Accountant's Value
If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: The income tax!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Fight ORGANIZED crime...Jail the I.R.S.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.
Accountants aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
" Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
" A: When he realizes he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
" Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
" A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
You might be an Accountant if....
1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card
2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214
3. You deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"
4. At the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation
5. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======"
6. If you have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store You might be an Accountant
Q. What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary?
A. A Social Climber
Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?
A. His personality.
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position and had a variety of individuals applying for the position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question how much is 2+2? The first candidate was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed that the answer was 4. The second candidate was an attorney. He stated that in the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was proven to be 4. The final candidate was a CPA. When asked what 2+2 equaled, the CPA did not respond immediately. He looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair and went to see if anyone was listening at the door. Then he returned to the business owner and said, what would you like it to be?
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